In “God Gets A Checkup” the God Yahweh is experiencing some technical difficulties at the Divine Intervention Hotline. Two of Satans’ inventions – The Janis Prank Call Filter and The Hicks Profanity Filter – stop working, and he receives one bad call after another.
The Janis Prank Call Filter
The first time I started playing with the idea of Yahweh receiving prank calls, what immediately popped into my head was the song “Mercedes Benz” by Janis Joplin.
When that song was at the height of its popularity it must have droven God nuts.
Suddenly every man and his dog is asking for a Mercedes and a colour tv. I could almost see him shouting down the line:
“But you already have four TVs. How many more do you need? And what’s wrong with the Chrysler I sent you?”.
Thankfully he has a technically gifted little brother that can take care of problems like this.
The Hicks Profanity Filter
“Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain” – the 3rd Commandment
“God’s last name is not damn!” – Quote of unknown origin
If you ask a five year old what God’s last name is, the answer you get might be “Damn”. After all, they hear people say it all the time.
Most requests and prayers start by uttering the name of God, as in “Dear God”, so when the word “God” is used Yahweh’s phone at the Divine Intervention Hotline starts ringing.
So, in order to keep the line clear to receive calls from people needing help, and not just people letting of steam, God relies on the Hicks Profanity Filter to weed out these calls.
The name of the profanity filter (Hicks) is a nod to the one and only Bill Hicks.
Copyright @ Theodore Volgoff. All rights reserved.
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